Climate · Culture · Fear · growth mindset · leadership · Mandy Froehlich · reflections · relationships · Trust

Building Trust with Challenging Conversations

Educators are nice people. We are taught to be positive and complementary and to give feedback that people can feel good about. What we often miss, though, is the importance of having challenging conversations. I see this most often with administrators, but it is certainly a problem across the board. Teachers, too, need to be able to have conversations with disengaged students or unprofessional colleagues. We all need to be willing, at some point, to have conversations that might make ourselves or the other person uncomfortable. And it’s not only about addressing issues that are seen, it’s also about building trust between the people we work with. The ability to have and to positively receive a challenging conversation helps to build this trust.

When speaking about the need for a challenging conversation, some people will do anything to avoid having it, including allowing whatever behavior to continue. However, the lack of these conversations results in consequences for all stakeholders.

  • The behavior, whatever it might be, will continue
  • Some educators might notice the behavior and begin to see it as acceptable (after all, it’s not being addressed) so they may do it as well
  • The educators that don’t see it as acceptable will be irritated that it’s not addressed
  • These differences create an “us vs them” climate
  • The trust between colleagues could be broken
  • The behavior is no doubt affecting student learning and/or the students may see the behavior

Challenging conversations also need to be had when there is a question as to why something is being done. For example, the way budget money is spent, or the implementation of a new initiative. There is definitely a level of maturity and respect that comes with being able to approach a colleague and ask them why something is happening. The ability to have these challenging conversations will get people facts instead of gossip, increase trust and transparency, and lessen negativity from a lack of information. Although challenging conversations are difficult to have, it is more difficult to work in an environment where gossip and negativity reign due to the inability to ask questions for information.

This kind of conversation holds everybody accountable. I typically find that most people want challenging conversations to happen when someone they work with is not pulling their own weight or doing what’s best for kids. Some people want it to happen, but just not to them. However, if trust is built and the climate and culture support feedback for growth, challenging conversations are more likely to be accepted as what they are… a way for everybody to be working toward the best learning environment possible for kids.

So, the ability and willingness to not only have a challenging conversation but accept the feedback given to the recipient is important in building trust. What does the willingness to have a challenging conversations say:

There is trust between usĀ 
I trust that you will understand, process, and employ my feedback and put it to good use.
Likewise, you trust me to give you feedback when you need to improve, along with asking clarifying questions and for additional explanations.

There is transparency between us
I know I can ask you a question when I feel I need more information.
I know that you will promote a positive climate by asking instead of assuming.

You believe in me
That I can change, I can improve, and I can be better and you’re helping me do that.
I believe you have the potential to grow and be even more amazing.

If I lose my way, you’ll help me find it

Challenging conversations are sometimes necessary to support the people around us. Although they are often looked at with a negative connotation, they don’t need to be a negative experience. They can be based on a solid relationship, trust, and transparency, and result in growth and change for all involved. Moreover, they are necessary in order to create an environment where everyone feels supported and is working toward what is best for students.

difficult conversations

 

Fear · growth mindset · Mandy Froehlich · reflections

When Setting a Goal Isn’t Enough

When you set a goal, what does that look like for you? Do you write it down? Tell the world on Facebook or Twitter to hold yourself accountable? Or do you keep it as a secret and just keep hoping that it works out? Praying that things fall into place? Someone figures out what your goal might be and helps you? Do you take it on like a challenge? Full steam ahead?

My relentlessness and tenacity have always pushed me to continue to work toward something that seems impossible. It is not that the vast possibilities of outcomes of my decisions don’t frighten me, it’s that the fear of not achieving something that I’ve set my mind to is greater than my fear of trying. I am petrified of missing out on something that might be amazing and beautiful and phenomenal because I was afraid to put myself out there. That fear drives me every day.

This does not hold true for everyone, however.

I have a friend who is a teacher. He recently expressed a professional goal to me and at first, I was so excited for him because I could see his passion and the potential he had for reaching it. But, as I’ve further discussed reaching this goal and other issues with him, I’ve come to realize that he has set up every roadblock imaginable for himself to not reach the goals. If you can’t see yourself reaching the goal you set, how do you expect anyone else to? I look at him and see the potential for growth and happiness and it kills me. I see how changes that he might make could make him a happier person, but he is too afraid to take the steps needed to reach the goals necessary to make that happen. He has the tools, has everything he needs, but his fear of making a mistake is greater than his desire to reach his goal. Greater than the fear of not becoming the person he wants to be. So, for the time being, the potential stays only potential. Potential to reach his goal. Potential to be happier. Potential to change his life. But, you can’t create meaningful change on potential alone. At some point, action needs to be taken.

My friend, Melody McAllister, recently sent me this quote:

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This quote sums up why I embrace my relentlessness like a good friend. Why I put myself out there, why I make difficult changes and decisions, why I do what I say I’m going to do. Why I work hard and move forward even when what needs to be done ranges from “not exactly what I wanted to do” to “one of the most difficult decisions of my life”. Because at the end of the day, when I look back at everything I’ve accomplished, I would rather be a little bruised than to know that I never showed up in the first place. And when people say it can’t be done, I want to giggle and show them how I did it. The best way to entice me to accomplish something is to tell me I can’t.

I would venture to say that fear is one of the most powerful drivers of our decisions whether it is stopping us from something or begging us to keep going. To say that I continue on my path because I don’t fear failure, fear looking like a fool, or fear making a mistake so gigantic that I can’t go back would be completely inaccurate. I am typically scared as hell that I’m going to do all these things several times over. The difference is that I don’t allow my fear of those things be the driver of my decisions. As I work with more people in the education world, I’m finding that this is a common characteristic of people who have created change in the face of adversity when others said that they couldn’t, regardless if it’s a teacher in a classroom, an administrator of a school district, or a keynote speaker at conferences. We could all use a little more tenacity, a little more grit. After all, what is the point in becoming passionate about goals we set if we are not willing to do what needs to be done to reach them?