This is a more personal post than normal that I needed to work through.
My therapist/counselor is the best at dialing in on the root of my issues. After experiences with what seems like thousands of counselors who have done very little for me, she gives me what I like to call oh crap moments all the time. These are the moments where our conversation seems to be going in one direction and she will get me talking and randomly throw in a few questions or comments where I’m all of a sudden crying and I blurt out what the real root of the problem is. And as I’m sure you can guess, the lightbulb goes off and I literally say, “oh, crap” and then I’m left to ruminate on it for a week.
Recently, we were discussing my ability to create connections with other people, which is typically something I’m really proud of. The same ability to connect, however, is the catalyst for my diagnosis of Secondary Traumatic Stress as people feel comfortable enough with me to tell me their stories. A huge Catch-22 as I am here to make a difference and doing what I love, and what I love is also emotionally suffocating me at the same time. She’s been working with me on trying to understand how to not take on so much emotion so I am able to heal and then continue doing the work I’m convinced that I’m on this Earth to do. I told her I wasn’t sure about turning the connection off…what if my ability to work effectively was based almost solely on that ability to make connections. She asked if I felt like my financial stability was based on it. I said yes, but more importantly my purpose – my entire reason for being was wrapped up in my ability to make quick, deep connections. And then I said (in tears), “What if you strip all that away and I’m nothing without it. I’m literally worthless without that ability.” And she responded, “You need to understand you’re worthy on your own.”
You need to understand you’re worthy on your own.
When you strip everything else away… mother or father, daughter or son, teacher, administrator, podcaster, blogger, author, counselor, speaker – when you’re standing there label naked, do you still feel worthy?
I’ve always believed that who I am is what I’m made up of which is what I do, but at the core a person needs to have their own independent self-worth. The part where they’re not using what they do to fill the hole left by not understanding who they really are when they’re all alone. Where they could lose their job or a role and still understand that they are still enough even without that label. That the roles we take and how we choose to portray ourselves doesn’t always completely define who we are.
This is clearly something I’m working on, and if you’ve ever dealt with mental health issues you understand that no matter the respect I have for someone, nobody telling me I’m worthy is going to fix this. It is something that I need to work on and figure out myself. Being human and vulnerable can set ourselves up for so much pain, but at the same time that’s also the beauty of a journey like this. I can choose to continue to live in this space, but I can also make the choice to figure it out and heal and discover my worthiness that has nothing to do with anyone or anything else. And when I get there, I would imagine that it’s an amazing feeling.